things that make me smile

My lover!......................................Road trips!

Food and snacks!...........................Taking pictures!

Making the baby laugh!...................Watching the dogs play!

Getting to hold the little one!..........Being able to just sit down and

veg out with the television! Getting overly excited about something

that I have seen and my lover caves! Thinking about all the places I

want to go to and planning on how to get there! I have this pink

chair that is big enough for Bella and I to sit in and Bella gets

to help me writ my blog, facebook games, or just surf the

web! Taking vacations with just my lover and I, and

maybe the dogs too! Learning new ways to make

jewelry! Sitting at home watching a movie with

my lover! Being with my family an my

friends! Watching my lover acted like

a dork! Watching the waves on the

beach! Date night! Creating!

Drawing! Smiling!

Love!

Secret with of the day: A rice bowl from Jack in the Box!

Arg...

I feel so unproductive, unmotivated, and something else...

bla...that's what it is!

There is so much Brian and I have to do and this is how I feel.

I wont to get up and take care of my crap but I am also so discouraged.

So much to do and I feel like we are not going to get through it and get what we want.

I am not very happy with where we are right know.

I have so many things that I want to change!

I also have absolutely no idea were to start.

The really crappy part is that I kinda feel like I wont be able to get to where I wont to be.

Now I think it is safe to say that most of how I feel is in my own damn head.

But it is how I feel. So...

How do you know where to start?

The secret wish for today: to feel accomplished

...

i feel like i suck at life...

things have been really f'n hard lately.

my husband is so awesome about making life fun and good in the moment.

but all of the plans i make or try to make get messed up.

life, get in the way of my plans.

i am getting so discouraged lately...

the things that i want seem so out of reach right now.

brain can always make me laugh and smile.

i love him so much.

he turned 23 not too long ago but i couldn't really do anything for him.

all we could afford to do was buy a cake mix,

so i made him a cake...

it was nice i just wish we could have done more.

i guess i just need so wait...

life is like the earths surface

there are high points and low points.

and all the low point make you appreciate the high ones that much more!

Ramble Ramlbe

I have my doctors appointment today.

Lil nerves because it has been a while since my last one.

My cough has increased, and so I have been getting tried easy.

And living upstairs in my apartment has not been the greatest sometimes.

And this last weekend my stomach hurt one day and bad (I think gas) pains the nest day.

I got asked if I think that I would be put in....

and well, I don't know

I don't really think about it because I don't want to convince myself that I am sick enough to be put in and have that weighing over my head until my actual appointment.

It just makes things gloomy for me and I have dinner plans damn it!

idk it just that the hospital is so boring when your not sick enough to sleep though it.

Or at least that is how it is for me...

And on the other hand maybe I am sick but not sick enough to go in!

Maybe I can get some meds to do at home!

...well I will just see what happens...

well I guess enough ramblings from me, for now

...mow-hoo-ha-ha

Wooow!!

I am excited!

My little sister starts kindergarten today!

Brian is at work!

My mother in law is coming to stay this week!

Josh was in town this weekend!

Jake, my brother, is going to have a pool party soon!

Its been and going to be really nice!

I like being excited about having my mother in law stay.

I have the best mother in law.

She is planning on moving back to Stockton to be closer to her kids.

But secretly she is really coming home to encourage us to give her grand kids!

;)

I need a brake from kids before I make my own.

I have been a baby sitter for five years! I need a brake!

And most importantly my lover understands that.

Oooo!

I am happy to hear from my step mom about obgyn's that have had cystic patients in town.

I my not want kids now , but I will some time soon and I want to be prepared before the time comes.

I really need to get healthy before any babies.

My biggest problem, other than exercise, is weight.

I am so tiny, I hate being so small.

Its weird talking to people sometimes because I have the opposite problem,

I need to gain 15 pounds not loose it!

I think since I am not going to babysit full time any more I really need to focus on eating and exercise while I look for new work.

Wish me luck!

Time sure dose fly!

It has been like two months since my last post, and a lot has happened. My husband got laid off, I stopped babysitting one little one and by the end of next week I will be out of work. Want to through the never ending 'you need to do' list out the damb window. My little sister had her fifth birthday party today!! That was a lot of fun. But my dumb ass forgot the camera. Went to Ikea. My step mom is prego and is due in September. Very exciting stuff!! Crossed some 'you need to do's' off the list. YAY! Then added more. My hubby and I feel in love with a dog, a lab/pit bull mix, but we can't get a pet until we get a new job :( ...we even picked a name, pearl.... My brother in law came up for a visit and is going to move back up soon. I decided that I need to go finish my three classes so that I can get my AA degree (The thing that really sucks for me is by the time I had gotten serious about going back to school it was too late for me this semester. But Fall semester here I come baby!! I so need to go back to school, I am bored and I need a challenge.) I also decided that I want to study so that I can be a Physical Therapist. Josh road an 18 mile, on a totally awesome vintage bike, for Bike For Breath!!!! Some of the people that met my brother were amazed and wowed that he is for months out of a double lung transplant and was there participating in the event. But for us family members whom had the opportunity to go were not surprised by my brothers ability to be outstanding! I think that's about it, it as been fun and stressful but that's life! o ya, finally made that Dr appointment and I got new pills for the first time! I'd been on ultrase since forever but they discontinued so now they gave me creon. yay for pills.

Free Time

I am finding that I know have a hole lot of free time in the evenings...so what is a girl to do with so much time??? And I can say from experience!

Nothing...well, play on the computer type of nothing ;)

For a woman with so many "need to do's", as my husband calls them, I surely would find something to do right?

.....no.....

I sit on the computer and look crap up, and play on the web!

Why?

...well., crap, I don't know...

Lately when I get home I don't wont to do anything but sit on my butt.

This makes no sense to me but it's what I have been doing.

My hubby was out of work for a while and in March he got a job. Yay!

But the new job hours leaves me lonely in the evenings, for now.

Sadly when we do get to be together I get out my(our) "need to do" list.

I've been asking myself why I tend to do this?

And I have come up with that I don't like to do things alone.

Sad? I don't know, it just is what it is.

I have things to do too! House crap that someone needs to do. Some of which I want to do. I just can not muster up the motivation to do.

....it's poop...

And even after writing this blog can I get up to do anything?

Nope

I just look at my "need to do's"

.....and star....no movement....no motivation....

OOOOOO! If I add a sigh to the lack of movement I can be even more pathetic!

hahahahahahah yay!